Julius Hadi (Passed away 15 Dec 2023)

He is gone
———————-

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

First off Dad,
I want to apologize for the times I struggled to communicate with you.
My neurodivergence (Asperger's Syndrome & ADHD) made it hard for me to express myself fully, and I know sometimes our conversations felt stilted or incomplete.

I get that it might've made things harder between us, but I want you to know that I loved every moment we spent together. I truly cherished the time we had, even if I didn’t always say things the way I meant to.

I also want to apologize for the times I seemed angry or frustrated with your use of Diazepam and Zopiclone.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to help. I understand now that you were using the Zopiclone and Diazepam to cope with what I believe was C-PTSD. Both of these medications can cause memory loss and reduce hypervigilance, bringing a sense of calm. While they helped you forget the trauma, they also caused you to forget important parts of your life, which I believe led to a misdiagnosis of dementia.

The truth is, I was struggling with my own issues at the time, battling polysubstance abuse, though with substances that were much more severe and dangerous than what you were using.
I was smoking cannabis daily and experimenting with hallucinogenics like psychedelics, dissociatives & deliriants whilst also using perscription drugs such as benzodiazepines & opiates to calm down, much like you were.

I understood what was happening to you, what was contributing to your cognitive decline and it frustrated me because deep down I was going through something very similar.


After you passed away, I went through a mad tough time and ended up getting sectioned.

One night in the hospital, one of the night staff gave me 15 times the usual dose of my meds, which sent me into something called "deliriant intoxication."

Deliriants are drugs that make you hallucinate, seeing or hearing things that ain’t really there. The difference with deliriants is that you don’t even question it—everything feels real, proper vivid, like it’s actually happening, unlike other types of hallucinogens.
Certain psychiatric meds can cause this as a side effect, but it’s not just them—plants like Belladonna and Angel's Trumpet, from the Nightshade family, can do the same thing.

Deliriants work by blocking something in the brain called (the M1 receptor, a type of muscarinic acetylcholine receptor). I’ve had some prior experience experimenting with them, so when it hit me, I knew what was going on.

It all bounced back on them though, I ended up setting the maternal ward on fire, then faked the whole 'toxic delirium' thing, even though I’d already built up a tolerance to that kind of drug before I even got admitted.

What made things even worse during my stay in the hospital was that handful of the staff were mutual with my enemies.

Prior to giving me the overdose, that particular night staff member kept asking me if I knew someone called Jay who had taken me to court, along with his stupid daughter Ashley.
I’ve got a strong feeling that the psychosis I went through wasn’t just a side effect of the meds— it was definitely intentional.

The hallucinations and confusion I had felt like they were trying to get the justice Jay couldn’t get in court.

I really believe they were trying to gaslight me into thinking I had some psychotic illness so they could prolong my stay at the ward however I enjoyed the intoxication, despite it's severely dysphoric effects it quickly wore off and got discharged soon after.

I wonder...
Do you still feel his hands on you, Ashley? Or have you just learned to live with it? Because you’ll never be clean, Ashley.
Jay has made sure of that when he put his filth inside you.

It was all the grief and pain of losing you messing with my mind, but I want you to know I will never stop loving you, even when I was lost in all that confusion you were deep in my heart.

You might be gone but I'll never forget you Dad, my love for you will never fade.